Why is it that every woman I have been very close to has said something to the effect that I keep so much pent up inside that they worry about me, or they’re scared for me, or sometimes they’re scared of me? Sometimes I think that this is a trait of women in general, and sometimes I think that maybe they’re right. Maybe I do have a bunch of stuff pent up inside that I’m so used to having there, I don’t even notice it anymore. That’s an interesting dilemma, I suppose.

Do I shuffle things away inside me in an unhealthy, self-destructive way, or do I just tend towards women who want me to be more expressive of my emotions than I am? Most of the time I tend towards the latter. I think I express how I feel continually, but I’m pretty subdued about it. I don’t talk about my feelings all that much, I convey them in other ways. I’m more of a body-language kind of guy. I can feel my emotions in my every move, my every gesture… My face burns with them they feel so painted-on. It would seem that it isn’t nearly so obvious to others as it feels to me (duh!), because people seem to think of me as an emotional enigma.

I tune into body language rather well, and I know that everybody has different levels of aptitude for that kind of thing. However, I always thought that, if anybody is around a person long enough, anybody could get to know and understand a person’s body language. A few years back, though, I was shocked out of this misconception. I’ve had a few reminders since, but none so shocking as this.

I had been very seriously involved with a young woman for years when we were holding each other one night. She looked into my eyes, sighed, and said, "We’ve been together for so long and I still only know what you’re thinking or feeling ten per cent of the time."

Wow! The person I was closest to in the world found me to be an enigma 90% of the time? That was just completely crazy. She and I ended up going our separate ways, and I became very close to a female as a friend. Knowing that I seemed to have a problem expressing myself, I made a real strong effort to be more communicative. I would go into detail, explore my feelings out loud, just start talking and let my words go wherever the feeling took them. A couple of years into this friendship, she and I had a very emotional exchange one night. Again, she told me that I kept so much pent up inside. She said she could feel it coming from my heart, but she couldn’t understand it and couldn’t seem to touch it.

What kind of crap do I have pent up inside, then? I’ve dealt with all the issues from my childhood, I feel pretty good about myself all around. All I have inside is some feelings of discontent and hollowness where true love will, hopefully, one day be. Is that so abnormal? I would THINK that many, many twenty-something men and women feel very similar. I’m in a transition of life here. I’m not content with the life I’ve had, dependent on my parents or responsible only for learning and working towards a career, but I’m still years away from a stable life of career/home/family. I have an idea of where I’m going, but I’m not there yet. How could I be content? I’m not in love, shouldn’t I feel the empty space where it has been before and I hope it will be again?

Yeah, I rant and I rave and I go on and on about little things that piss me off, but that’s not a sign of some deep set issues that need resolving. That’s just me being reactionary and putting on a bit of a show for myself and for other people. Does everybody who gets worked up a little more easily than others have stuff pent up inside? I don’t think so. I’m just excitable.

I went out with a group of friends tonight, several of which are women. These are women that I like and feel some degree of closeness with, and I wonder: Do they think that I’ve got gobs of crap pent up inside of me? I looked around the room and realized that none of them were science majors. Of the people close to me, only B is a science major. That struck me as really, really odd. Haven’t there been studies relating personality type to what subjects you major in? Perhaps the people I spend all my time with are so different from me that they don’t understand the ways I express myself. Do I back myself into this corner by being more interested in people who are so different from me? Maybe opposites attract, but only similarities let us understand one another.

I mentioned the "no science major friends" thing to one of the girls I was with tonight. She’s one of the coolest girls I’ve ever met, by the way, and one of the greatest friends I have here who I hope I can stay friends with for the rest of my life. (If that fiancé of hers doesn’t keep her happy, I’ll kick his ass!) Anyway, besides being really awesome, she also had an interesting response to that. She said that she didn’t have any science major friends, either. I cocked my head and looked at her, and one of the other party guests caught on and said, "Uh, what about Jonathan?" Her response was, "Oh, really? I just think of you as ‘going to be a doctor.’" She explained that, since I’m so focused on that it seems like it is my major purpose for being at school, which is quite true. I don’t know that I’d be a pre-med major if that was an option here, but it has been my focus since day one and thinking of me like that is perfectly fine. Hell, the confidence she shows in me with that statement is damn flattering, really. However, I think it illustrates the point: Science and Humanities people are very different and don’t associate together as frequently as they stick to themselves.

I don’t know where this train of thought is going.

I’ve been listening to an online radio station that I picked up in a professor’s office the other day quite a bit lately. The playlist is pretty good, and varied enough that it doesn’t bore me after a song or two like most of the stations I have tried.

I can’t think of anything to really bitch about tonight, so I guess it doesn’t qualify as a rant in the true sense. What can I say? I’ve had a good night out with great people and I had a really good time. I’m tired and I need to get some sleep, I have to start driving in four hours to make an appointment across the state.

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