THE
BEST
OF
THE
PINK PANTHER
As a kid, the definition of comdedy, side-splitting laughter, and great acting was Peter Sellers as Inspector Jaque Clouseau. While most movies spoiled after the first viewing, losing their magic and mystery, the Pink Panther film series offered resiliant laugh after laugh with each watch. A great source of enjoyment, I began collecting the movies on tape so that I could have laughter at my fingertips. Whenever I thought I lost my smile I popped my video prozac and within minutes its medicinal power began to take effect. But each time I sought the warmth of a smile my age had advanced; each time I pressed play with fear that I had outgrown or habituated to the humor. Whether a tribute to the caliber of Peter Seller's flims or a sad commentary on my immaturity, I am happy to say that the Pink Panther films continue to bring smiles and, yes, even laughs to an otherwise somber face.
Here is a collection Pink Panther lines which have brought a smile to my face with each viewing without fail. I have noticed more than half the humor, relying like most jokes on delivery, is unfortunately lost in transcription. But hopefully they will serve as thumbnails to laughter filled memories. If you have yet to see Sellers dawn the badge of Jaque Clouseau, head down to your local video store for a treat.
Clouseau: Good evening Commisioner. How is Madam and all ze littal Commisioners?
Francois: Do you know what kind of bomb it was?
Clouseau: The expleoding kind.
Clouseau: What iz yer name?
Shork: I'm Shork, the Gardener.
Clouseau: And what iz it you deux?
Shork: I'm the Gardener.
Clouseau: Then why deedn't you say that to me in ze first plaz?!
Shork: I did!
Clouseau: Oh doun't try to be funnay with me missoir!
{A minute later}
Clouseau: What vaz yer name?
Shork: Shork.
Clouseau: The cook.
SHork: The gardener.
Clouseau: Ah ha! Now we are getting somewhere!
Clouseau: A bee keeper who has lost his voiz, a cook who thinks he's a gardener, and a witness to merder. Oh yez, it iz obvious to my untrained eye that there iz much more going on here than meets the ear.
{Clouseau swats at a be with a morning star and in doing so destroys a Steinway piano.}
Mrs. Leverlilly: You ruined that piano!
Clouseau: What tiz ze price of one piano compared to the terrible craime that has been co-mited here.
Mrs. "Lovelever": But that's a priceless Steinway!
Clouseau: NOT anymore....Now then, what do we know. One, that professor Fasbinder and his daughter have been kidnappid. Two that someone has Kidnappid them.
{Dreyfus takes over all the television stations, interrupting the Michigan football game which the president is eagerly watching in the oval office with his cabinet.}
Dreyfus: Give me Clouseau and we can all sleep secure in our beds.
The President of the U.S.: What's a Clouseau?
Dreyfus: And so, next week, I shall give the world a demonstration of the awsome power I hold. On saterday, October 9th, at precisely 3pm, eastern standard time, the United Nations buildng will vanish from the face of the earth. HAHAHAHahahahahahaha.
The President: Call the FBI, the CIA, and the Pentagon. Find out who won that game!
Clouseau: No, of course it wont be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.
{On his way out of the room, Clouseau mistakes the closet door for the exit door}
Clouseau: Most ingenious--the ol' closet paloy. I really must congratulate you. If there is one thing I do enjoy it is a good closet paloy.
Clouseau: Duz yer dag baite?
Roomkeeper: No.
{Clouseau goes to pet the dog and it bites him.}
Clouseau: I thought you said yer dag duz not baite?
Roomkeeper: That is not my dog.
What
was he saying at this moment? Find out!
Clouseau: Fertunately, professor Balls took refeuge behind a new shipment a inflatable goiters.
Clouseau: Now dis time I'm going to stand on yer shouldairs.
Kato: What good will that do?
Clouseau: Because I'm taller than yew are, yew fool!
Simone: Oh my God....
Clouseau: Mine too.
Simone: How many people do you think know that Douvier, the millionarie bussinessman, is also Douvier, the French Connection?
Clouseau: Well, I sepose his mether for one.
Comments, questions, complaints? ansingerbar@davidson.edu